New Beginnings

This week we have stayed home trying this new schedule for Kamiree. It has gone...well I don't know. Kamiree hates change so she was sick on Tuesday and that threw off the whole week. She did not want to go to school the rest of the week so we had behavioral issues. The only thing she really wanted to do was keep going to speech with one of her new SLP's Bobbie. It has been hard for me not to sit in on speech and see what is going on, so I really don't know how she did this week. What I do know is that she did all her Kauffman cards for at least 3 days and she is up to 7 words with NO HELP! It is weird cards like Tuba that she remembers :) We are at least going to take this next week off from Denver. Really she needs to know at least her first 25 cards until we can go to the next series so hopefully we can get them down this next week. With apraxia, repetition is so important! That is why she knows the name of all her siblings, a lot of cousin, and grandparents. We are always talking about them or to them! :) We did get some more of the results from Omaha yesterday and it brought fresh tears. Just remembering that she is special needs and needs a lot of help. I guess it's human nature to think that she is all good, but then looking at those and hearing what other people label her as makes feelings arise you don't know you have. Anyways, this is the update for the week...if you are praying for us just please pray for dealing with the behavioral issues better and that she works hard and uses her words.

Another Week

Kamiree and I just pulled into town earlier this evening :) It's always so nice to be home and get hugs and kisses from my husband and the kids. This trip we decided to stay 4 nights, allowing time to recover from the car trip so that she would be ready to start first thing Monday morning. Kamiree had an awesome first day of speech! She said all the words she needed to and participated fully in everything! That day we headed down to Colorado Springs after to visit my sister-in-law and her family. The next day Kamiree did very well the first 20 minutes and then started to get angry. We went bowling and to Beauty and the Beast 3D to keep us busy later. The third day was a nightmare speech lesson. Not only did she scream but she decided to kick the therapist as well....I wish I knew what sets her off so that I could help her but I can't figure it out. For every single day we did the exact same thing...we woke up and she took a bath and then we went to McDonalds and then to speech. I never wavered from that all 4 days and for some reason it did not work on Wednesday. Bri, that's the speech therapist, had us come back at 3:30 to show her she was going to have to work whether Kamiree liked or not. Bri was able to at least get her to say her cards and we left. As a mother it is so hard not to be mad at Kamiree when she acts like that all day. She knows she is wrong and usually within 3 minutes of getting in the car she says sorry mommy, sorry mommy, over and over again. Today Kamiree went right into speech and worked her hardest the whole time! :) It was funny because she kept looking at me saying "mommy happy." And yes I was! I kept telling her, "yes, mommy is happy." She has improved so much these 4 weeks. We are going to take 2 weeks off from Denver and she will start working with a new speech therapist this next week in Thermopolis, who will be doing whatever Bri tells her to do. I did look at a house down there this last time and loved it, so I can't wait to take Chris down there to show him. We would be renting :) Anyways, that's the update for this week, very positive!

What to say

Well this week has flown by! This was a week break for Kamiree going to Denver and I'm still kind of nervous about the whole thing. She didn't have daily speech like Denver, but Lacey did do the cards with her at school and I have been doing them at home. I was very impressed with her saying the whole word tonight...this is a huge accomplishment! She said "tuba" like it was nothing, ha, I wish you could of heard her try to say it last week because she couldn't. These are the steps I need to see as a mother. Kamiree and I are heading back to Denver Sunday night thru Thursday morning to get in 4 sessions. We have found someone here who will be working with our SLP in Denver and will keep Kamiree going. We might actually have a house to rent in lakewood starting beginning of August, which would be a Praise God for us and this family who owns the house :) I will be looking at it this coming week, and am quite excited actually. It could be a 3 year deal, so then we can reevaluate and see if we want to come back to Thermop or stay. I guess it all depends on how the kids are doing. I am trying to take a step back and look at the whole picture and not expect Kamiree to talk right away. I realize this is a slow process and in this society no one likes things slow, including me. I want instant results or something isn't working, which for apraxia this will be opposite. Thank you for all the encouraging words this week while I stayed in Thermopolis. There are a lot of amazing people in our lives and I thank you.

Failure

The word "failure" sneaks up on me so many times a day. Today was one of those days where I felt like it over and over and over. Kamiree had her last session of the week today and did horribly. She would not cooperate at all as we sat there for an hour and 15 minutes so that the SLP would win...she did finally but I felt like a failure. Kamiree screamed, hit, kicked, yelled some more, for almost a whole hour. I don't know what to do differently. She was so awesome yesterday in speech and today she was a different person. When she gets in these moods she refuses to do anything. I watched in horror as she kicked and hit our new SLP, waiting to hear the words "Maybe she should see someone else." But luckily, she didn't say that. I want Kamiree to learn to speak so bad and basically control her..but I can't. In these moments is when I feel defeated in essence a "failure". For 100 miles today I wept knowing that there isn't anything I can personally do for Kamiree except get her the right help, she has to do it. I even yelled out "Why??" to God a couple of times realizing that my daughter is indeed special needs. I don't even know everything they have diagnosed her with still (waiting for paperwork) and even the ones I do know I am overwhelmed with. My perfect little baby girl is frustrated and unable to talk. I know it hurts her but man it sure hurts me to know that there is nothing I can physically do to help her. I want to be the one that is having to go to speech, I want to switch places with her so that she can live life like a normal 5 year old girl, not worrying about how to say words, but singing and talking like other kids her age. Today was a "failure" kind of day, I hope next week is better......

Stares

I am writing this on my iPad so if there is a lot of spelling errors you know why. Tonight is me and kamiree's last night in Denver for the week. It has been a hard week for Kamiree. She has been a fighter not wanting to speak. It's hard to remember that speaking is very difficult for her and that's why she gets angry when she is pushed. Tonight we decided to go have a sit down meal since fast food is getting old real quick. As we sat in chilis I could see kamiree was agitated so I should have just left right then but we sat down. Within 10 minutes she was kicking the wall next to us so I got up and grabbed her and sat her right next to me where she proceeded to scream. I got so many nasty looks and glares. Okay people, I am already embarrassed at the fit my child is throwing so glaring at me doesn't help the situation at all. You never know what is wrong with the child who is throwing the fit.... It's not always the parents fault. Kamiree is disciplined accordingly but I also know if I give her "the look" during dinner she will scream and have a yelling breakdown right there. I now understand why a lot of parents with special needs children do not go out and eat. People are so judgmental!! I am learning so much through this process with Kamiree. To not have a "normal" child that deals with things differently than most people seem to be a crime in our society.

Start of a new Year

Thinking of all the positives of this year has kept my perspective much happier then what it could be...just some of them being

1. Chris finished college 2 weeks ago and now is a teacher..YAHOO!!!

2. We found out what is wrong with Kamiree so we can get her the help she needs to communicate with us

3. My sister-in-law and her husband received the blessing of a child

4. My other sister-in-law and her husband had a baby in July

5. Chris and I had a baby in January, love our quiet little sunshine Tenley

These to name just a few which I know I am missing a ton. I have tended to wallow in my self pity for the past two weeks and have tried as much as I can to come out of it. Looking at the positives has helped tremendously, but most of all having a Savior that loves me and knows what I need has been my saving grace, in more ways then one. I have heard the comments "well it could be worse" or "at least she can talk/walk," and honestly I DO get that, but this is our worse. I am grateful that we don't have any children with cancer or anything else for that matter, but I have a child that I cannot communicate with. I can't ask her how her day was and get an answer...we have a shallow verbal relationship and that kills me. I pray that this therapy will help her be able to express her feelings, emotion, without the hitting and kicking and whatever else goes along with her frustration. I have been slapped across the face more times than I can count this year (from Kamiree not my husband ;)), and the worst part is I wasn't really mad I just cried with frustration. Thank you God for this special needs child that I get to love and hug and take care of even when I feel so alone a lot of the time.......